How do I feel?...I dunno....Both Kika and our friend Krystal have read my last few entries and had the same reaction to those as others have had to my appearance...I mean, as I mentioned a few days ago, I have felt a little change within myself...As far as what it was, I'm still not too sure as yet...But if you progress through the entries up until now, I'm beginning to feel, again, like how I did about a year ago...(SideNote: I see that I'm mentioning wrestling a lot recently...That's because it's a referrence point in time as well as a big part of who I am...I apologize for any redundance)...
Now that's where the confusion is for me to respond with a simple I dunno...See, at that time, a year ago...I was in a state of depression...But at the same time, how I feel now is similar to ALL my past wrestling seasons...So it is possible for me to just be going through the annual feelings/emotions...
Talking to Kika, I mentioned that I don't sleep much lately...As a matter of fact, it seems the only time I'm awake while the Sun is up, is when I have to get to class...Other than that, I'm sleeping...I don't sleep during the night AT ALL anymore...I gave up trying to force sleep about a month ago...But these past one or two weeks...I must admit that my sparse sleeping hours have been becoming smaller and smaller...I think that made sense, it's kind of a weird trade off....I mean, instead of my normal 2-3am bedtime, I've been feeling fatigued at about 5-6am...I get up, go to class, come back to the room, and go back to sleep, either until my next class, or until the Sun is gone...And the cycle repeats all over again...The times that I am up during daylight hours, I'm up for no less than 20-22 hours straight...Yeah, it does sound like depression, but I never do keep proper sleeping habits...So this can be just another common thing....
Then we have my eating habits...I believe I've mentioned a while ago that they've changed too...Since I've been back from Christmas vacation, it's like I have no real appetite...One time I was real real hungry and I got a dish of 4 chicken strips, and half way through the first one, I wasn't hungry anymore and lost all interest in eating until much later that night...And even then, all I had was an oatmeal cookie...Found that very strange...Especially 'cause I'm a big dude, and no half a chicken strip and a cookie was gonna hold me off for a whole day....But alas, indeed it did...And since then, all my daily food consumption consists of now is 6-8 bottles of Elements (the Spark flavor) and a Lunchables, but the smaller ones....Yesterday and Wednesday though, all I had were 2 bottles and that was it...Too tired to even hold an appetite...Again, it looks like depression, but then again, this has been for a good 2 months now, and its not synchronous with the other "possible symptoms"......
So am I depressed?...It would seem so...And it would seem not so...Therefore I truly don't know...Do I feel sad/down...I'm not one much for expressing those kind of emotions...So much so that I find I even keep them from myself...And going back to my track record, being disappointed/down is so common to me, I'm never really truly down anymore, I've become apathetic to those ind of feelings, accept them, and deal with it...
I still think it's just a "physical flashback" to all my other past winters and wrestling seasons...'Cause the feelings are all the same, and it's all so remenicent....So now that I think about it, I do feel that the possibility is there of depression, but I really, honestly doubt that's what it is....