It rained yesterday...And now that I think about it...It's been a while since I walked in the rain...I mean, sure I've been outside while it was raining...But thats different...At the time, it was just water falling from the sky...That was it and nothing more...And in all reality, that's all it is...But reality can be a relative term...What you believe is what is real...And, before yesterday, when I walked while it was raining, all I believed was that water was falling from the sky...
But yesterday, I actually walked in the rain...For a brief moment, while the clouds were just right, and the temperature was perfect...The sky seemed to ease to life, and the falling water droplets were an extension of that...And in a weird way, that extention was comforting...Like, its way of putting an arm around my shoulder or breathing a word just to say, "I'm here kid"....
It wasn't like a comfort like a hug or a hand shake....Nothing that "intimate"...Just enough to let you know that even though you're by yourself, it's alright...And that's it...I know it sounds stupid but it was kind of like a principle of understanding felt...but from a distance....
And it was perfect like that...I mean, I have my friends and stuff...But I'm only one person, and I'll always be one person, so no matter what, I'm always alone to some degree...And that does get a little burdensome at times...But it's a fact of life...A fact I learned directly through wrestling...A fact I forgot at one point....And a fact that I hope never to forget again....
It reminded me back when I wrestled in high school....The long hours of work and energy I'd put into training...I'd come home drained, and it was like I was expected to be full of life for work at home...But I wasn't...And they didn't know what I went through the hours prior with practice and schoolwork 12-13hrs straight and how exhausting it was physically, emotionally, and mentally...Only I knew...
Even during a match...It's just you and the opponent...And you have to realize that before you get on the mat...That became a personality trait at some point...That no matter how many people cheered me on, it was still I that has to deal with my own designated struggles....So whether I won or lost...It was only I that took the victory or fell to defeat....ME....Nobody else....
I was the only kid on the team who lived in my area of town...So I walked home by myself at 6-7pm in the middle of winter in New York...No one to talk to on the way back...Not even another body just to walk with....Just me, the cold, the snow, and the silence of night...Alone....
It didn't make sense for me to complain about being tired at home...As far as they were concerned I should quit wrestling if it was interfering with doing my household duties....And considering that was my only real pleasure at the time, I wasn't giving that up...So I didn't complain....I coudln't complain about school...'Cause as far as my parents were concerned, if that was the case, I may as well start workin at McDonalds and cut to the chase....So I didn't complain.....I just dealt with it...With what I HAD to do...And what I LOVED to do...At one point, i began to take to silence...I said not a word to anyone and became somewhat of a loner in a 4 person household....Alone....By myself....
All I had to say, I wrote it down either here or in a Marble notebook I carried with me everywhere....'Cause after a while, I didn't see my friends much...And writing was all I had...Gotta express to somebody, right?...Yeah, but it was still a notebook...Inanimate...So in having my notebook...I was still alone....
So you see...When I walked in the rain yesterday...by myself...at 8pm...in the frigid air...I took my sweet time...'Cause that's what I'm used to...That was my comfort zone...The one that nobody else could occupy...The one that only I could have....And there's something about being by yourself that you find that when you survive, your just that much stronger...An endurance pride, if you would...
I'm not saying I was, am, or will be a hermit...But yesterday, while making my way back home in the rain, I was reminded that I was alone, and thats it's alright...We all are alone....And I could handle it...'Cause that's my element...It's natural...It's home...It's who I am...Just me...Just myself...And only I....