I don't have luck...I don't have that thing where things happen in my favor just for the hell of it...As a matter of fact, not too many things happen in my favor much at all...So now the term "luck" for me is defined as anything going my way....One might say, "Well don't be ridiculous"...But I guess what this one entry is for today, to let you in on a little insight....starting from as far as I can remember....
Well, as a little one, you don't really have much worries and concerns....Mine were generally toys and Saturday Morning Cartoons....Now, it sounds trivial, but coming from a 3-4 year old's point of view, its the world...I remember trying to sneak downstairs passed my parents' bedroom to catch the first shows...But that never worked, I had a gut feeling that if I would leave my room, they'd hear me and say it's too early to watch TV or something...Sure enough, they heard me each time, and disappointment was a weekly Saturday morning activity...Sure I got by sometimes, but seldom......
Getting older, my parents decided to move from Queens to Long Island...Please believe I was very upset...Leaving all my friends and such, and only within a month's notice...I remember it was my Kindergarten graduation when they told me and we moved that same summer....And moving from a block where kids were everywhere to a dead suburban neighborhood occupied by old people, disappointment comes once more....
The summer that we had left, there was a BBQ at my father's friends house, we went every year and I was really looking forward to going....On the way there, I was scared to death when my knees began to pain something terrible...Growth spurts the doctor said...But as a 5 year old, all you know is this feeling like your legs are being sawed in half and well....no good fortune there.....
Starting school in the 1st grade, I was picked on every morning by Frederick Fountain....We'd stand in line when they blew the whistle on the playground and every morning, like clock work, he'd literally kick my butt...And what could I do?...Fight him?...Mother said to never fight....Tell on him to one of the aides?...I tried, turns out she was his mother...Much luck there, huh?....I could do nothing...Got my butt kicked everyday for a year...
Two years prior, my younger sister was born, don't get me wrong, I in no way regret her birth, but the point is that attention is averted to the little one, and rightfully so, but when you're in no way close to your father, and he all of a sudden pays all his attention to the new sibling...you can't halp but to feel a little neglected....It's natural for all previously born siblings, yes....But it still plays a role.....
Third grade, my teacher thought I had something mentally wrong with me because I "didn't appear to be paying attention in class"...So I was sent to get an MRi and everything, just to see what was wrong with me....Kinda sucks when your told something might be wrong with you...Sucks even more when the results show nothing, 'cause what's that say about the teacher's feeling towards you?...I know it was all in good intention now, but nonetheless, it was still spirit dampening at the time....
Fifth grade...The work was ridiculously high in quantity...11 year olds should never be stressed over homework...It was to the point where I would seriously pray that she was absent every morning, so I'd have a chance to do the homework I didn't finish....I was the first person to have detention in the whole school that school year....And it was only the 2nd day of school at that...Sitting in the lunch room, on the 2nd day of school at the detention table in front of everyone...alone...Tears, tears, tears....
I'll admit, middle school was pretty much kind to me...Still wasn't the most popular kid around...I mean, popularity isn't the world...But at least party invitations would be nice, know what I mean?...But 7th grade, the girl I had a crush on since 1st grade said she liked me...we got a little close (as far as Middle Schoolers go i guess)....then yeah, she moved to Huntington about to months later...That was the year sports became a real love for me (hint: foreshadowing)...
Eighth grade...I was introduced to the High School varsity football coach...He said he wanted me to come train with the team that summer and be a starting lineman my 9th grade year...I was more than happy....Imagine what it must have been like, then, when I had to be out of town that SAME week of the summer, no other week but THAT one....no luck there....
Tenth grade was a real zinger...During a football game, I tore my right ACL (knee ligament) and needed surgery...That meant no sports...one of my only true loves....What's weird is that I wasn't supposed to be in during that play...I had to cover for someone because they couldn't find their mouthpiece in time....What are the odds right?....It's at that same time, and probably as a result, that I was doing terribly in all my classes...Even the Honors English class I fought to get into, I only passed by 1 good research report grade....
Eleventh grade...Exactly 365 days from the last knee injury....I mean, it was even the same 2nd quarter...I tore my other knee...I was devastated...What made it worse, was that the day before, the coach stopped practice eaerly to anounce that I was going to be the teams new fullback, a position I've coveted since middle school....now that was no more...And now that I knew what a torn knee entailed, it hurt even more because I knew that there was no social life again since I'd be in and out of therapy...PLUS this would be the 2nd year that I hadn't wrestled...Football and track didn't matter compared to wrestling, for me....And now...I wouldn't even be allowed to step on the mat for yet another year....That summer, girlfriend of almost a year went upstate for summer program with Cornell University...came back saying she needed family time and couldn't be with me...Turns out she took up some other dude from ATL, made no sense, but it happened nonetheless....Not much "lucks", just a bunch of "sucks" so far...
Senior year of high school...Let's see....between trying to complete a 1 year AP English course's worth of work within one quarter and a WHOLE heap of hostility at home...There'd be times I'd dread to go to school, and times I'd even dread worse to go home....My grandfather died that year, too...We were close when I was younger, but since he was sick, his passing was accepted before its time....At his funeral I met my cousin Nigel who I've heard of since living back in Queens...I finally got to meet the guy...Had a wife and daughter, just came out the Navy while I was planning on joining Navy ROTC...He and I talked and clicked real well....I had finally met a younger relative I could talk to, and he lived in NY too...Sure my brother was there in Brooklyn as well, but I only see him about once a year, we're almost strangers....Anyway, I come home with a 1st place medal from a wrestling tournament...Walk through the door to have my mother sit me down and tell me that Nigel commited suicide the night prior....So much for that, huh?....
This too was around the time where things started getting just all out stressful for me...No sleep, hallucinations, verge of nervous breakdown...I couldn't do it anymore, and at that time, it looked like there was a knife in the kitchen drawer that would agree with me all too well....(This is around the time I started this diary)...Got to the point where I even committed suicide in my own dreams....::sigh::....
Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not poverty stricken, and I do have my health/strength....But you see, when you get passed the fundamentals....When you get passed the things that EVERYONE should be thankful for, and get down to the stuff that only pertain to people on a personal/individual level...There are times where I feel that it kinda sucks to be me...It's gotten to the point where I could tell you HOW things are gonna mess up for me....I can tell you exactly how my plans of any degree will be thwarted....I don't make plans anymore because I know they'll be cancelled...I hardly ever make promises anymore because I know they'll most likely be broken....It's gotten to the point where I know something is gonna go wrong before it happens, just because I'm so used to the feeling...
Hardly any "unluckiness" on my part surprises me anymore....I've learned that it seems to be a part of my life, and that I've just gotta accept that and live though it...In accepting, I've found that I've become less and less disappointed, 'cause its almost expected...there's no shock/surprise/disbelief anymore...In a way, I've kind of become callous to it all...Apathetic to pain and hurt...Its there sometimes, but when u almost know its coming, what's the point in hurting anymore?...It's just "Take the blow...Grin and bear it...Those are the breaks...Sucks to be you"...I find it hard to look forward to things anymore, 'cause if I do, I'm prone to be let down....I don't think I hope for thing whole-heartedly because of that...I've tried even up until this day...But I just seem to always fall short...whether I had play in it or not....I mean, I have wants, but I leave it at that...I don't dream about them like I did as a kid, I find that just makes it harder when I don't achieve them....
I guess my outlook, once again, is that if I don't hope too hard, I can't hurt to bad....If i don't dream too high, I won't fall so hard...It is sad, but you see the evidence...I'm sure there's more that memory won't allow...but that is still ssufficient enough, no?...It's a factor of my life that I've chosen to accept...
Just be...Don't hope...Don't dream...
And you know what?...I think that's the most unfortunate part of them all.....