Let's see....I've been working with the wrestling team a little bit since I've been back...Seems like they're doing alright thus far....It's about 30 of them, and they're pretty much young ones, but its a start...ya gotta crawl before you walk....
What else?...Ummmm....Oh, had a thoughtful moment today, actually....About people in general, but based/originated about me I suppose....I was sitting there talking to my mother on the phone with my mother this morning...And, if you've been reading the diary for a while, you know that she's not 100% gung-ho about myself and Kika together...Now, I'm running errands for her, my mother, and Kika was with me also for some things she had to take care of as well....Called my mother to ask for directions to the bank she sent me to...And she asked who's with me...I said no one almost intuitively....As the words left my mouth, I get this voice in my head like "C'mon, you shoulda told her that you're with Kika...What's she gonna do?"...Same time, Kika's reaction to my response were pretty much mutual with the voice also....The point I'm pretty much getting at is that in regards to going out with Kika, I've been catering to my mother and making up excuses...And it bothers me, but more still, it bothers Kika....and THAT bothers me as well....
You see, I've noticed what's been going on and whatnot, but I never payed it any mind...I never put it into perspective....I am here playing school-kid games with my relationship because I don't wanna upset mommy....And, honestly, it's only until today/yesterday that I've taken a more indepth look at it....This isn't my mother and Kika togehter, this is me and Kika together....It's like you sneeze and cough, but don't realize that your sick, it's just a sneeze and a cough....Yeah, well these "sneezes and coughs" are about to be gone 'cause I refuse to become ill with my mother's Avatar Disease....
The same way I changed my major for me, and she didn't like it....I'm GOING to be with Kika, and LET her know that....NO i'm not going with Stan to a track meet....NO I'm not going over to Tiffany's to watch a movie....NO I'm not going to get some food with Sean....and NO I am most definately not out somewhere in Dix Hills to visit a friend from high school....
Eighteen years old?...Maybe....But you know what?...She treats me way older, so if my logic is right, this aspect of my life should be also....I don't wanna hear about "Friends for now"...I don't wanna hear about "I don't want anything to get in your way"....I am able to make my own decisions....I'm pretty much living on my own in Georgia, coming from New York....I am capable of being a total loner and taking care of myself...So what makes one think I cannot handle a relationship?....With a person who I've known for almost half my life, at that?!?!....
Granted, she wants the best for me...granted she's looking out for me...granted she doesn't wanna see me get hurt....But you can only hold on so tight...you can only intervene for so long....I may not be up there in age, but I am still a man....I turn 19 in a few months...I'm mature a little past my age....So why not treat me as such?....
To this day I am spoken to as a child...and very seldom as a man....I know this probably sounds like some clich� angry-teen episode and wutnot....But its not...and thats how my mother is...My father is fine...He has my brother form a previous marriage, so this is just a rerun to him....I'm my mother's first born...But sad to say, she still acts as if I'm still a new born....
I know I'm ranting, but that's what i set this diary up for.....From this day forward...I vow to be a man about my relationship with Kika, never to hide behind some lame excuse....cuz i know i've been actin like a kid with it...and as scapegoat/excuse as it sounds....i blame that mindset from home....but I'm through with that....From this point forward, I vow that I will stand up to my mother about her comments....She has hers, she's married, she has her life....It's time to let me live mine....From this point forward, I only halfway-care what she thinks about certain things...From this point forward, if she's upset about anything of my life that she has no real say in, the best solace i can give her is "Tough...It's me not you"...Sounds harsh, but I'm not sacrificing my happiness like that to make her feel better....
I've been hiding, half-stepping, pussy-footing my way around to make everything alright with her....If she doesn't like it then too bad...This isn't high school anymore, this is a real relationship, this is a real love, this is a woman who I DO want to spend the rest of my life with...so "just friends" doesn't quite let that pass....How dare someone else dictate how my love life should be?....How dare someone tell me, or anyone, how far they should take the relationship....That's between me, her, and God's will, not my mother's....
I've been living in the shadow of her approval for so long, there's no light left to take a good look at the situation....I've been telling Kika not to worry about her, and pay her no mind...But all the while I forgot to tell myself that, too....Well, not anymore....I've got nothing to hide, I've got nothing to be ashamed of, and I've got nothing wrong...so there's no need to act like a secret....I'm not gonna go broadcast my life to her....But I'm sure-as-a-rock-is-hard not gonna make up some lie for her appeasement....Nope...this is my life...So I'm gonna take control....It's Kika and me, and she has to learn to live with that....