People will read you and peoople will control you...
I don't like to show emotions...they make you vulerable...At least thats what I've come to internalize while growing up...I've become my own sort of paradox I guess, where I do believe emotions are waht make you complete, what exercises your existence as a living thing....but yet at the same time, you will seldom find me to admit anger, sadness, or any other those types of emotions...I will even try and play down my happiness ocassionally....
Nobody wants to be weak...nobody wants to be vulnerable....Nobody wants to be put somewhere where they have no control even over themselves....My greatest fear, possibly, is for my heart to be held in someone else's hands...Where they can cause hurt and grief at their leisure, and yet bring joy and happiness in the same stroke...Such power over another person is enough to bring chills....
My roomate aske me who is it that really knows me....I told him no one....Of course by plain sight, no one will ever trully know you so much better than yourself, but I insisted that it is far deeper than that...and that certainily, no one that I have ever come in contact with truly know me...because I shoose not to let them...As I said before, I have a fear of "letting people in," so to speak....Not my parents, not my outside family, not my friends, not anybody...I choose what people know about me...what people know of me...It scares me to have another to be able to guess my actions...even in admitting that I've become example of what I'm talking about....
I am embarassed when I show emotion...I feel naked when I show emotion...perhaps because my "mask" is gone...I feel figured out...I like being anonymous...Surely people know what I believe, what I think, and some of my opinions....But at the same time...Most cannot set me apart from another individual in those same repects...a general uniqueness, i guess you can say....
I don't even konw what brought me to write this all down, but I've been having the urge for a while...Even here I hold back words and thoughts...feelings and emotion...To repeat, I simply feel weak and vulnerable....I feel that in order to have some control over my own outcome, I must have exclusive power over myself...If someone else now has ability to push and pull me as they wish, then that power is no longer exclusive and my own control over self is diminished....
But don't get it confused...I'm not saying that posessing such emotions is weakness...No, it is expressing them that I feel makes you weak...But it does get to a point that when you reach your lowest of moments, you cannot even cry to yourself in solitude...Because that same firm belief in vulnerability has even infiltrated your pride and integrity....Regardless of what others think you don't do, the truth is that you did cry to yourself and exhibited weakness if even for a moment's time...And being true to yourself is one of the most basic elements of living....
Though I do belive that emotions make you human and should be experienced and embraced as the embodiment of living...I feel that emotions too are a sign of weakness, unfortunately...Most people are defeated by others when their actions and ways can be predicted...That is control...control by another individual...There is no other man that should control you other than yourself...Therefore, they should not know your ways....Therefore you should not show them...Therefore it is emotions which defeat that goal......
Therefore it's not so much people that you must watch for and be cautious of....But, instead, it is yourself....