After many hours of no sleep, I was forced to engage in a little introspective analysis once again....And this time, I came up with this thing that I've been something for a while...I don't know what that something is quite yet....It might be denial...it might be ignorance...neglect...lethe....I dunno...all I know is that I thought about it last night/morning....
It's my social "outgoingness"...Honestly, I don't feel anti-social...but it has occured to me that the only people I know are the ones that showed up for the Wrestling Club while it was running, and 4 girls that I talk to every now and then from downstairs...Only recently did I make 2 new friends from my English class, Heather and Ernest....Now of ALL those there, you know who would make the cut when you weed out the "aquaintences"?...Heather and Ernest, but more so Heather cuz we have the same sense of humor....Everyone else?...If I see them outside of our "meeting element" (ie, class) then it's just a cordial tipping of the imaginary hat....and that's it....So what's that gotta do with anything?...Well, it seems, to me at least, that I don't tend to open up much to people....I sit back at parties back home, and don't bother go to the clubs/bars down here...I tend to be a quiet dude....So its not expected of me to strike up conversation initially....
I dunno, some would say, "Oh, you're just shy"...But that's not really the case...I don't fear talking to people...heck I used to be a salesman...No, after much searching, I've come to the conclusion that I fear friendships...It's weird...I fear forming such a strong bond and the emotional shifts that would ensue afterward....I'm afraid of exposing myself, my WHOLE sef to someone who I know very little about, to someone I've only known for a few months...
For me, friendship is, in a way, like dating....You get to know the person for a while before you want to consider them having a big effect upon your life....And, well, just meeting people in the world is ALOT like blind-dating since your forced to interact without preperation as to what that person is gonna be like....And so, when that initial meeting is for that moment or doesn't last past then, its like a kiss...Ya'll shared something, but nothing too serious....So when ya'll meet again, you hardly, if any at all, get that feeling of obligatory salutations....
Then theres the one where you TRY to say "Hello" after first meeting, and TRY to hold conversations and LOOK for things to talk about, in assumption that your bond was gonna last....That's the Sex Metaphor...Because you soon realize it doesn't work out, and one day you both don't talk, or just say occassional "Hello"s...and thats only if you can't avoid each other...the Trying is the "Sex"...and after the relationship is broken, you still feel awkward whenever the other is in the same room....
Kind of a subtopic to the last, the next level is the "Casual Sex" Metaphor....As you would assume, you two talk every now and then, whenever ya'll see each other, both have accepted that you are aquaintences, nothing more and nothing less....You hold great conversations because that's all that really keeps the realtionship together, no real personal stuff is involved...no feelings hurt.....
Now we have the marriage friendship....This is the friendship where you can talk untiil forever...until you two know so much about each other it is ridiculous...this is the one where you hang out ALL the time, either the two of you or with others (get your mind out the gutter) and you just know this is a FRIEND that you keep until your old age....
I think I got off the topic...but all that was to say that I fear "marrying" someone as yet, I guess cuz I'm afraid of having to get a "divorce"....it sounds all good and dandy now, like there's no problem....but there's really no one here I can relate to...So I live here, with many, among many, knowing some....but i live here alone nonetheless....sounds kinda sad when you think about it...They all knew me back home...I didn't even know them, but they all knew me "Chris Jessamy" was some Westbury legend....but down here, I'm just that big scary lookin dude ("nigger" to some) from up north in New York....
O well....we'll see what happens, still got another semester and mroe time to make friendships and work on others....Just can't wait til I get "engaged"......