You see, as a youth, I was your average kid...just like everyone else,the one that all the other parents adored, etc., therefore I really had no self-esteem problems...As a matter of fact, it was so high, I became one of those kids that made fun of the ugly kid, or the kid with the funny name, and even the famous "fat kid"...Well, as I got older, I put on a few pounds, got a little chubbier, and well, I became the "fat kid"....Anyway, in getting "fatter" I found that the same names, pointed-fingers, and attitudes that I cast onto the "fat kids" in my day, were now put on me...
That was just a smack in the face...I quickly learned that I wasn't admired anymore, by my peers at least, that I was no longer the kool kid, I had no chance at being Mr. Popular...i was just there takin up space...alot of space....All I did was keep quiet, didn't talk to anyone(or was it that anyone didn't talk to me?), and just went to school, made a few friends, and went about my life living and eating....
At about 7th grade that changed a little, though I was still rather soft, I did slim down only a little bit when I joined the football team, and in doing so, the popular kids were talking to me now...Not all at once, of course not...your not supposed to talk the unpopulars, but little by little they did....in the years since, even GIRLS were talking to me, PRETTY GIRLS...but sumhow, i knew it was too good to be true...
All in all, I was still the same Chris from years past who was "unkool"...So I just shyed away from them, all of them, sure I talked to them....but in my head....They weren't REALLY interested in me....they just wanted answers to the tests, favors, anything to make their life easier..."who cares what Chris thinks, he's lucky i'm talking to him....In all actuality, they weren't interested at all in Chris...it was funny how they'd try to get friendly when i got all teh right answers....but yet never thought of me when a party rolled around, or when they wanted 2 go hangout...nah, Chris was just so "unkool"....
Well, i got wiser and convinced myself that I was NEVER gonna be the kool kid...i was NEVER gonna get the beautiful girl...and basically, no one will ever want to be like me.....even to this day, i still feel remnants of such thoughts.....
Let's move forward some....Right now, i would have never imagined me where I am today, socially I mean....in high school, just about EVERYONE knew who i was, and still am, from the janitors, to the students, to the faculty, to even many of the parents....they all knew Chris Jessamy....because I'm still as shy as I was before, i never really flirted with girls, scared of rejection, i just became friends and left it at that....but i still recieved interest and "offers" without doing any work, or spitting any game....this was sumthing new to me....and even THEN i wouldn't believe it, and declined.....All of a sudden, i was invited to parties upon parties upon parties....sure i went, but i stood to the side, the "fat kid" in me wouldn't accept the fact thati was actully THOUGHT of as part of the guest list....
Now to the present, yesterday, Tolisha signed my guestbook declaring me an inspiration and that i made her feel so much better....I'm glad I helped and i LOVE to help, but the fact that I made such a difference to someone else's day still baffles me...all I can think is that I couldn't do that, not me, the "unpopular", the "fat kid", that reserved for cool people.....And even my beloved Kika, I was telling her all this, and she says its true, she said that I'm wise and an array of others that I can't remember right now....but I don't feel it....I mean, i'm flattered and appreciative.....but, deep down, well within myself, theres a part of me that didn't go through that metamorphosis years ago, and that part still thinks and feels that such compliments are only for someone else, anyone else, besides me....that I'm not worthy of such praise.......I'm STILL shy, i'm STILL quiet, i STILL find it odd when beautiful/handsome popular people want anything to do with me, much less ACKNOWLEDGE my presence....and yet they do, and they tell me I'm one of them....there are times where i REALLY wonder if that's true.....
It's funny......I've come this far, yet moved so little.....