Lately I have sunken to a state of depression...I truly do not know the reason, but nonetheless, I am seriously depressed...It all began with my lack of sleep...within the past 3 weeks, i must have cumulated enough sleep for only 1 week...That, in turn, brings me to irritability...I find myself aggrivated and annoyed by the same things which i tolerated before my insomniatic symptoms...Next, now that i'm short-fused, i begin to argue alot more with my parents, with my mother especially, errupting in a barrage of words and accusations...I'm usually a very positive, happy guy, not anymore...i walk into school, tired, drained, and exhausted from all 2 hours of sleep i got after writing my daily 5 page essay...I discover that thoughts of cutting class and cutting school all together enter my mind, i contemplate errupting in the middle of class just to let off some steam...as a matter of fact, while talking to a teacher in the hallway, i encountered this feeling of anxiety, i don't know why, but i almost began to panic...i seriously believe that i'm two steps shy of a total nervous breakdown...but now, to add insult to injury, i've been rejected from my #1 choice school...that devastated me, and due to my inability to express such emotions of sadness very well, i just sank even deeper into this pit of gloom...in physics today, i found myself recounting all the occurances contributing to my feeling of despair, and tears actually started to collect in my eyes, but none shed....i don't know WHY they started, for i truly did not even feel that sad at the moment for that to happen...last night i found myself staring at the knife holder on the counter...i seriously contemplated suicide, at first i thought i was being ridiculous, i knew better than that...but soon, that didn't matter, i understood what it was that Nigel had felt when he did it...it was an escape...i couldn't take it anymore, the quick, endless relief far surpassed the thought of hopefully finding sanctuary from the stress....i had to leave the kitchen that night, if i didn't, i truly don't know if i would have been here typing this at the moment...
Right now at this moment, i'm scared to even entertain the thought of taking my own life, but i do find myself, at times, thinking about it...and what sucks is the feeling it brings....i KNOW better than to do it, but at the same time, there are times where i WANT to do it...so when it all comes together, I am stopping my own self from ending the strife i so fully despise at the moment...Life is good at irony like that sometimes.......It's not "Why do we die?" anymore, its not that which bothers me...Because now i ask "Why must we live?"....